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Living with Luke 14

June 18, 2013

So…

What do I want for Tiddles? What does any father want for his son? I’ve written before about what my hopes were for my little Silverback gorilla, and how some have changed over the years and sadly, the majority died when his first diagnosis came in. It’s a difficult thing to accept – and there’s that word again – that he will never win an award for his acting, or footballer of the year, or maybe even employee of the month.

But above all else, even if he never achieves anything in his little life, I want him to be happy living the life that nature has given him, the hand that the universe has dealt him. His happiness is all that is important to me. I would forgo the brief cuddles, the glimpses of eye contact or even the kisses, provided he remained happy in Narnia.

There is a line from one of the ‘Rocky’ films that I adore. I love all of the films and there are many quotable lines in all of the series, but this one I think is the most apt in this instance and it is;

“Nature is smarter than people think…”

It’s spoken by Rocky’s trainer Mickey and what he’s referring to is having a reason to go on with this difficult state that we call ‘life’. We seem to lose so much as we get older and sometimes it’s difficult to motivate ourselves to even get up in the morning, but Nature or the Universe or whatever God you may believe in, has a way of giving you something to stay alive for, until you’re sure that you have done all that you can for that person or that cause or that whatever it is and realise that it’s time to go.

Tiddles is THAT reason.

Whilst he has not really had a say in how his life has panned out thus far, he is living with the choices that have been made for him and now it is my job to ensure that he is happy and stays happy now in whatever he does and whatever he chooses to do in the future. He is part of my ‘Motivisation’ (Mickey again) to carry on. I don’t know if some or any of you may have heard these lines before, but it describes perfectly my one hope for Tiddles’ future.

“If I have just one wish, only one demand, I hope he’s not like me, I hope he understands, that he can take this life and hold it by the hand and he can greet the world with arms wide open…”

I struggle sometimes. There are times when I think it would be so much easier if I wasn’t here. It’s a terrible thing to think but there it is. Even the people who appear to be the happiest can be dying on the inside through no fault of their own or anybody else’s, it’s just an appalling part of their biology and one that people like myself struggle with every day.

Sometimes we are winning.

But other times we are losing and losing badly and it feels like we are drowning. And then it’s usually in times like these that a certain silent primate comes along and treads on your toes, or stands on your back, or who wants you to chase after him, or will shout ‘TOAST!’ at you or will even smack you upside the head for no apparent reason. And it’s then that you realise that, although he is never going to say it to you in the way that you may want it said, or even in the way that you THINK is the conventional way to say such things, that what he is actually saying to you in his own beautiful, autistic, Narnia inspired way is;

“GET UP YOU SONOFABITCH! Cos Tiddles loves ya…”

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2 Comments
  1. Karen Morgan permalink

    Heartbreaking read

    • It is something that I will probably never fully accept that he may not speak to me, but he’s linked permanently to me forevermore and now it’s down to me to protect him.

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