Living with Luke 22
For a word made up of so few letters, it’s such a big word. We go through our lives making decisions and choices that lead us to exactly where we are right now at this present moment in time, reading these words. IF you or I had made other choices, we may have ended up elsewhere, not reading this, or maybe even not even writing it.
But all of our choices in life are 50/50 when it comes down to it. And the consequences of these actions or choices may not be clear until much further down the line when it really is already too late. The reality of course is that it is already too late as soon as the decision is made and acted upon.
So indulge me…
If Tiddles had not developed Autism, would he be the same child? If we had decided not to give him the MMR jab, would he still be autistic? If the MMR jab was responsible for his Autism, was it also responsible for his developing Epilepsy? If Tiddles wasn’t Autistic, would I love him any less because he was normal?
These are the sort of questions I think about a lot of the time, and i’m sure I am not the only one. But at the end of it all, the fact of the matter is that Tiddles IS Autistic. Who can say what caused it, and who’s to say that just maybe he was always destined to be Autistic? If that is so then maybe his Epilepsy was also just a ticking bomb waiting to go off. We can only speculate in the end about what has already passed. But none of this changes the fact that I love him with all i’ve got, regardless of his condition. I know this because I feel the same way about The Eldest Child, and he escaped the curse of the Autistic Shadow, so having a Special Needs condition does not guarantee unconditional love for that child from either parent. In a lot of cases, sadly, it guarantees the opposite. But with Tiddles, the love is totally unconditional any how. Always has been since the moment he was born, and will continue on until such time as either of us isn’t around anymore.
Tiddles is an original. There is never going to be, nor has there ever been anybody as unique as him, ever. And that can be said for all of us. I want him to know, would dearly love him to understand that I will always be walking beside him as he goes through his life, wherever it takes him. If he stays in Narnia, then I will love him from afar. If he crosses that bridge that we are trying to build, then I will guide him, protect him and try to be the example he will look to and maybe realise one day that I am his dad.
Maybe he’ll also realise just how much he is loved by me, how much I have missed him and continue to miss him. For every smack, punch and slap, there are kisses, hugs and eye contact, as he connects with me. But as I write this he is 3 feet away, and even now I miss him. I miss the boy he was, the boy he could’ve been and the man he could’ve become…If…
I miss walking for miles with him on my shoulders, or piggy backing him around. I miss swinging him, and flying him around the house. I miss him, because he, or at least the boy that I could do those things for, has gone. I loved all of it, even the times when i really didn’t want to do half of them at the time, because I realised that it wasn’t going to last forever.
Nothing ever does.
So…I treasure every moment that Tiddles bestows upon me, because the time will come when it will not be as important to him anymore. We have only a finite amount of time together, any of us. I have a choice, even now. 50/50. Either continue to look into the past and play ‘what if…?’ Or attempt to enjoy every minute I and Tiddles have left, and sod the consequences.
I do the best I can. As I said before, I make wrong turns. I make choices I regret, but in the end I am just like everybody else. I want to save you Tiddles, to rescue you but without a cape and tights, I am just a man, just your dad.
I’ll finish this blog with a quote from one of the great philosophers, Christopher Robin when speaking to Winnie-The-Pooh. And this is for everybody that is important to me, my family, relatives, friends, but especially Tiddles.
You, my son…
‘You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think…’