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Living with Luke 25

October 11, 2013

So…

I wonder sometimes about how you must see me Tiddles?

Do you ever see me as more than just a man who cuddles you and talks to you a lot, or do you just see me as an annoyance?

Am I somebody that you like spending a small amount of time with, or am I somebody that you spend as little time with as possible?

And when you look at me, am I somebody that looks like a kind, loving person, or do I look like a monster to you?

The times that you travel across from Narnia and join me in my world – is it because you want to, or is it because you want something?

In the moments that you make fleetingly brief eye contact with me, do you know who I am, or do you even care who I am?

When you are in pain, am I somebody to hit to relieve it, or do you hit me because you want me to take it away? Or do you just hit me because you like it?

Do you feel that I am more to you than just a meal provider, or a bottom cleaner, a swimming coach, a buyer of trains?

In the end, it comes down to this my beautiful boy.

I am all of the above when it comes to you.  I cuddle you because I love you unconditionally and I want you to love me equally so.  I want you to call me dad just once, without being prompted.  I want to be the one who can take your pain away, whatever it may be. Recent events have highlighted that you may be in more pain than you are letting on.  If that is the case Tiddles, you strike away.  If it helps, then you hit me as hard as you bloddy well like.  I’ll bear it. 

I want you to want to spend time with me because you want to, not because you have to.   I want you to realise and recognise, to see in my face when I’m feeling down or low, or sad and know that it’s ok, because that’s what people do from time to time.

When we sit together, can you read my mind?  Do you know how I feel about you and how my heart breaks a little everytime you reject me with a word, or when you hide your face or pull away from me?  But then again, how can you?  You’re a little boy who is trapped (maybe) in his own private world, and who’s to say that it’s NOT me that you are hiding from anyway?  I can only hope that it’s not and that it would be me that you would want to have by your side, to have you hold my hand and to face this life.  

I want to be a parent to you in more than just a name.

I want you to know that I am your dad, and that I will do whatever I can to help you to realise this.  If that means I have to keep adjusting my course, then that’s what I’ll do.  Where I wanted to go is not where i’m going to end up.  One look at the map of my life showed me that a long time ago.  But’s it ok, we can only move forward.  But in moving forward we have to realise where we are going.

We will always be travelling along the same roads, you and I.  We may not be travelling them together, and you will most certainly be taking more detours along the way, but you and I will get to whatever destination our intertwined lives have decided is our final stop together as the Silverback and the Protector, Tiddles and The Old Man…

Father and Son.

 

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4 Comments
  1. Sharrie permalink

    This is a precious and poignant expression of such the struggle, the depth of love of a parent to a child “stuck”in autism. We never stop as parents. We never give up. Our love is so deep and raw that it kills our core sometimes to not have it reciprocated. Bless u on your journey with your son, keep up the good fight protector. 🙂

  2. Warren permalink

    Beautifully written.Thank you… You are not alone in this. We understand the fear and the hurt and the hope and the undeniable strength that comes with this life, our life. And even when we do not understand, we remain. Committed forever to loving our child, come what may. And sharing that love makes it all worthwhile.
    -Another Dad.

    • Thanks Warren. It’s the unconditional love that we have for our children that keep us going sometimes I think. Thanks again for your kind words.

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