Living with Luke 30
I walked into Tiddles’ bedroom the other morning. He hid from me as usual. I pulled back his duvet and kissed him on his cheek. Right upper, I hasten to add. He hadn’t turned himself around during the night…
“Good morning.” I whispered to him.
“Good night!” he replied, which has become the standard reply these days.
“Ok, see you later.” And I pulled his duvet back over him.
“Come BACK!” Came the voice from under the cover. I turned back and pulled back the duvet again, bending down close to him as I did so.
“Yes?” I said. There was the briefest of pauses.
“Go away…” He replied, and covered himself over with the duvet once more.
It’s been 6 months since I started writing these blogs and so number 30 is a bit of a milestone for me. I really didn’t think I would reach this many blogs in such a short space of time, or that so many people all over the world would be interested in reading about my adventures with Tiddles the Silverback. With that in mind, I’m going to write another letter to my beautiful boy, one that I am fully aware that he will never read, but which I will write anyway, for me.
My son, it’s been 6 months since I first started writing about you and I and our life together but even in that short space of time, we have changed in our relationship. I started writing about how you are slowly drifting away from me and how much that was killing me, because of how we used to be together.
That is still the case, sadly.
I’ve seen changes in you, some good, some not so much. But at least we still dance and I still get a cuddle from you now and again and that makes up for a lot of the stuff that has now gone. Tiddles, I can’t make you understand how much your life is important to me, or how much I wish things were different between us. I wish we could have a proper father-son relationship, but in my heart I know that that is not likely to happen.
So I try to make the best of things when they present themselves, the opportunities to be your dad. As I have said before, nobody knows just how much time any of us have together. With you that seems even more apparent, because I never know just how long you are going to spend in my world before you drift away back to yours.
The clock is always ticking.
It doesn’t matter what we do, whether it be swimming slowly up and down the local pool, burying me under a pile of books and trains or having you sit on my shoulders as we walk around the house, it is always time well spent with you, however long.
If I could, I would pick you up and fly you to a place somewhere, anywhere that I could be a proper dad to you. My heart breaks with every rejection, every ‘goodbye daddy’ said in anger or annoyance, every time you turn away from me. But it won’t ever change how I feel about you, except that you will probably never know or realise. The Eldest Child knows how I feel about him, as does TCMH. But you my little Lost Boy, my Silverback gorilla, you may never know.
But that’s alright, I’m learning to live with that. It’s been a hard lesson to learn as you floated away and there are still times when I don’t get it right, but I’m your dad and I’m human and what I want for you has had to be put away at the back of a cupboard and now I have to take life with you one day at a time.
But…Know this Tiddles.
It doesn’t matter how old we get or how big you are or however much you may continue to push me away…
I will ALWAYS love you, and I will ALWAYS be your dad.
You are the significance to my existence. You are my heart.
And I don’t want to miss a thing…