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Living with Luke 37

February 18, 2014

So…

It has been a bit like being at the Ministry for Cold and Flu Research this past week, with TCMH suffering with a nasty sore throat and Tiddles going down with a bad cold. Bleary eyed, coughing, croaky voiced and just wanting to stay in bed – but she is good with the kids…And Tiddles has been looking distinctly under the weather as well. Where does a gorilla blow his nose when he has a cold? Anywhere he wants to…

I myself bravely recovered from a slight sniffle, but the thing about Tiddles is that when he gets ill he doesn’t actually stay ill for long. He may have a day when he just lays on/in his bed or the sofa, but then the following day he’s back to his old ‘Tigger’ self, bouncing around and apart from maybe a red nose, you’d never know he was unwell.

So, that was last week.  Yesterday was my grandad’s funeral which went off very well. We took Tiddles, who did keep asking to go outside and at one point almost broke into singing the end theme from ‘Stingray’, but apart from that he did do very well. TCMH had tried to explain about great-grandad Fred ‘dying’, but Tiddles just asked to go ‘diving’.  Maybe he had the right idea…

But one thing I have noticed in these past couple of weeks, is how cuddly he has got. And by cuddly, I mean sitting on my legs with his arm around my neck.  This has happened a few times and whilst sometimes the arm around the neck is like having your head squeezed off, i’m not complaining.  He’s heavy, he’s noisy and sometimes he does hurt me, but do you know what?  It doesn’t matter. I love it.  Everything else remains as it was, however.  He still hides when I go into his room, he still says ‘bye-bye’ when I say ‘hello’, and he still belts me. Maybe this will never change, maybe this is how it will always be.  Then again, he’s learned this reaction to me from somewhere and for some reason, maybe he can unlearn it?

I cannot even begin to imagine what goes on in that head of his, or even what he sees when he looks at me.  His reaction sometimes makes me wonder if he can see something ‘more’ than what us ordinary mortals see.  If that is the case, how frightening must I look to him for him to hide the way he does?  And how can I change that, if I can change it at all?  As I’ve said, his reaction to me has changed in the past year so there has to be some reason for that.  ‘Dislike’ is probably the wrong word to use, but that is how it comes across at times.  We’ve all done it at some point, taken a dislike to somebody for some unknown reason.  It’s human nature, some people just rub us up the wrong way. It’s not anything that anybody can explain sometimes, we just cannot get on with somebody.  It has happened in reverse to me and I cannot fathom the reasons for it.  And because I think I can get on with everybody, I tend to try that bit harder in a fruitless attempt to prove that they are wrong not to like me.

But when it’s your own son that appears not to like you, well that changes the whole landscape.  It has floored me to think that my little bundle of ape-like joy possibly cannot stand the sight of me, at least for the majority of the time anyway.  He tolerates, maybe even accepts that I live in the same house as him, but that doesn’t mean he has to like it.  That may be extreme but when you have time to think about these things late at night/early in the morning, these are the conclusions that you come to, sadly, because the evidence seems to be telling you so.  

I guess that’s why I don’t mind taking the hits, the knees, the headlocks.  I accept those along with the cuddles, the dancing, the occasional invites to chase after him because they are part of our life together at the moment.  I’ve begun to get used to them as the ways things are these days.  It doesn’t stop me from trying hard to change them though.

So…

Watch this space… 

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