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Living with Luke 44

May 28, 2014

All along, right from the very start, these blogs have really been all about love.  The love that one man has for his son, his children, his family and his friends.  The love from some is not always returned, which is sad but bearable.  But the absence of love from the one person is what drives this blog.  Without that there wouldn’t be a need to journal my thoughts and fears.  

It’s also about the passage of time and the distressing way it which it slips through our fingers when we just want to hold onto it and make it last just a little bit longer. Last week, I was 21 and had the whole world in front of me.  Yesterday, I was 31 and Tiddles was born.  Today I am 46 and struggling to recover from injuries that I would’ve brushed off before.  Broken fingers, something Wristy, ankles beginning to object to years and years of kicking a ball, something Back related and a slowly receding hairline are all contributing to the general feeling of ‘why?’. 

‘Why’ am I doing this?  ‘Why’ do I even bother about it?  ‘Why’ don’t I just stop, curl up on the sofa and just leave it all alone?  Why does anybody?  Because they have to.  

In truth, I’m a lazy man.  If I can get away with not doing something then I will.  If I could look and be fit without having to work at it, then I would.  If I could earn money by doing very little, then I would.  And if I could be just a dad to Tiddles without all the pain and heartache that goes with it, then I most surely would.

Orson Welles, when asked once why he was always so busy, admitted in an interview that he was basically a lazy man.

“The basic failing of all lazy people is that they have to work TOO hard, otherwise they would never do anything at all.” he said.

I stay fit because I have to.  And I work hard at being Tiddles’ dad, because I want to. The poster for the play based on these blogs, has the line, ‘The Fight He Didn’t Want!’ Too bloody right I didn’t, but it’s a fight I’ll never back down from either.  Why? Because I’m lazy and it would be very easy to just give up, walk away and be free from all of this hassle, rejection and heartache.  But in my mind, as much as I think that he doesn’t give me a thought, I also believe that Tiddles needs me.  He needs somebody to smack, to punch, to jump on.  He needs somebody who can deal with his frustrations and his annoyance at seemingly trivial things. He also needs somebody to be there when he wants to come and visit. He knows that I’ll always be that person and will be there.

He needs me.  Because nobody else was suitable for the job.  I was picked out because I was the only suitable candidate for Tiddles.  Knowing that of course, does make me wonder why, if I was destined to be his dad, does he dislike me so much? Or am I just looking for his love where there may not be any?  A writer friend of mine who watched a rehearsal recently, pointed out in her article that if Tiddles were a normal teenager, would I get the affection I crave?  Or would the teenage Luke be as distant from me as he is now?  Nobody knows of course, it’s all speculation.  Tiddles is who he is and I as a result of that, am who I am.  

I can see him waving at me now and again from Narnia and when he drifts close enough to me, I can help him across to see me.  We hug, we play, we chase and then I turn around and he is gone again and I can see him drifting away.  But should I just give up?  

Of course not because, Luke Hannam, I’m too lazy to give up…


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