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Living with Luke 46

July 23, 2014

It’s Official!

Tiddles really doesn’t like me! How do I know it’s official? Because TCMH has finally noticed it. For a while, she’s been trying to justify his actions…

“It’s the way you speak to him…”
“It’s because he knows he can get away with it with you…”
“He does love you, he says that to me…”

And

“It’s the way you say hello to him…” (I love that one).

To show how much I listen to her, even though she thinks that I don’t, I have actually changed the way that I say hello to Tiddles. It’s not many fathers that can say they’re surprised by the results and nor can I.

No change.

If anything, it’s actually gotten worse over the past few months. I can’t explain it. It seems to be the thing now that he punches me in the stomach, or he’ll kick me, or smack me every time that he sees me and that can even be when I walk from one room to another. The other week, he punched me in the nose – no reason, he just did it. Makes your eyes water doesn’t it?

He’s nearly 16. He’s nearly as tall as me, and at his last Epilepsy assessment, he’d lost nearly a stone in weight. He looks fantastic compared to the chunky monkey he was just over a year ago. But of course with that comes the fact that we’re both getting older and in all likelihood, he will get stronger whilst I will get weaker. I’m taking all the necessary steps to be his protector for many years to come, but as anybody will tell you, it can be bloody hard sometimes to keep going and I’m wondering at times, why the effing hell do I bother?

Just who is it that I’m doing it for? And having thought about it all, I think it’s for everybody.

I want to be the cool dad to The Eldest Child, the one he won’t be embarrassed by.

I want to be the extraordinary husband to TCMH, the one who doesn’t look like the stereotypical late 40-something male.

I want to be the good brother, cousin and friend, the one who people enjoy being with.

And coupled with all of that, I want to be Tiddles’ dad. But what does that mean, exactly?

It’s all of the above, I guess. There is a train of thought that goes something like, the harder you try and pull something to you, the easier it slips away from you. Maybe I’m trying too hard with Tiddles? I’ve tried the cool route, where I’ve barely said anything to him. He actually liked that, but I couldn’t stand it. I’ve tried to break his repetitive responses by speaking differently to him, but all that did was make him more creative in his negative replies. I’ve tried many different things, but maybe I shouldn’t try anything at all?

Would that make me less of a father?

To be honest, I think that it would, because although he doesn’t enjoy my company and really doesn’t care about me being his dad, it matters to me. In my mind I need him to know that he is loved by me and that I’ll always be there to protect him, no matter what and no matter how old I get or how weak I end up. I will continue to show him, whether he likes it or not and I’ll keep showing him and telling him until that day comes when I can’t do so any more, because I’m his dad. I am always going to be there for you Tiddles.

So deal with it, son…

Love Dad.

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