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Living with Luke 48

August 16, 2014

There’s a part of me that wishes that I really didn’t care about you Tiddles, for all the grief that you cause me with your constant rejection. A part of me that wishes that I could distance myself from you and just let you get on with your life and I could get on with mine. Just not have to worry about you, care about you or even think about you. You go your own way so that I could take the path of least resistance.

But I can’t. I do care and it hurts me to the core when you do push me away, physically or verbally.

I don’t like it, in fact I absolutely hate it, but what choice do I have? As I wrote about last time, it was with a certain amount of trepidation that Tiddles and I went away for a week, just the two of us together. The realisation that neither TCMH or The Eldest Child were going to accompany us was a bit of a shock to the silverback and I feared the worse to be honest. But we went anyway and I was determined to show him that we could have a good time together, like we used to when he was a boy.

So. How was the holiday with Tiddles I hear none of you asking?

Well, let’s see.

We went on the Sunday, and came back on the Friday – 6 days. Weather was generally lovely, wish you were here, etc, etc…

It took him 5 days to accept that it was just me and him and then finally on the Thursday before we came home, he actually sat with me, cuddling me, laying against me in a way that he hadn’t done for ages. I think we must’ve sat together for about an hour, me reading and Tiddles watching his DVD. We hardly spoke, but it didn’t matter. I sat stroking his hair, his face, feeling his once baby soft skin now rougher with the result of puberty and general manliness developing. I couldn’t feel sad, despite more evidence of losing the little boy to adulthood. Instead I felt calm, serene even. It was a beautiful moment, one well worth waiting 5 days for and it washed away the previous days of shouting, rejection, some hitting and generally being made to feel like the enemy. And it was for that hour alone, that I would say that the holiday was a success. We’d had a lovely time. We’d gone swimming, gone to the beach, the pier and we’d even met up with Stage Son for a couple of hours. And then the acceptance of me, even if only for an hour.

Well worth it.

After about an hour however, he did turn to me and say,

“When does Mummy come back?”

No matter.

The following day we returned home, via the local steam train heritage museum and whilst we waited for the train on the platform, we played a game of ‘I-Spy’. After a couple of successful rounds where he guessed and then I guessed, it was my turn again.

“I-spy with my little eye, something beginning with ‘B’.” I said.

“Buffet Car?” came the reply. There wasn’t one around, but even so…

“No. Good guess though…” I replied.

“Bus?” Again, no bus could be seen, but it began with a B.

“No. Have another guess.” I said. Silence.

“Something beginning with ‘B’…” I repeated. More silence.

“Come on, something beginning with ‘B’.” I said once more, to which came the muttered reply,

“Who cares..?”

Hahahahahaha!

In the end we aborted the train visit as Tiddles wanted to get home, where normal service again has been resumed. But I still can cling to the memory that just for a while, he did return from Narnia, and that he did recognise me as his dad. After all, that’s what I want isn’t it, just to be his dad? As he gets older, I’m going to be walking along holding the hand of a young man, possibly drawing comments from the less enlightened Neanderthals that have been allowed to breed, but Tiddles my son, I will not care, because that’s what you are. My son. I’ll always love you and I’ll always be proud of you, no matter what or how you may think of me or react to me. You’ll never read these blogs, so I just hope that deep down, you know that this is true. I want to be your dad, because I do care about you and I am reminded of two quotes which I think sum this up very well.

“To be or not to be. That is the question…”

And.

“Do or do not. There is no try.”

Because…

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