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Living with Luke 54

January 4, 2015

Karma…

The all encompassing word, meaning -depending on the circumstances – what goes around, comes around OR you reap what you sow OR that bastard got what he deserved…(delete as applicable).

I’ll make an admission here. I’ve not always been the best of men.

I’m far from perfect. I’ve made decisions I’ve come to regret and I’ve done things I’m not proud of. I’ve let down at some time or another, my close family, relatives, friends, even strangers at some point in the 46.75 years I’ve been around.

I’ve been rude and insulting. I can be vain, greedy, lazy, dishonest. I have been and continue to be at times, selfish, unthinking and very not very likeable.

And now it’s come back to bite me.

Karma…what goes around,comes around…the bastard got what he deserved…

A lifetime of choices, good and bad have led me to Tiddles, my judge. The very thing I want, is to be forever in sight but never attainable.

I’m not a ‘good’ man, and I think the universe has been biding it’s time to show me that.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but one of my favourite stories of all time is ‘A Christmas Carol’ by Dickens. I can watch several different versions of this tale over the Christmas period and have done so in the last month. The ultimate story of redemption for a man who has been weighed down by the chains of the decisions he has made over the course of his life. I love it and every time I get to the resolution, Scrooge’s promise to keep Christmas in his heart and live in the past, the present and the future, I always think, ‘Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to be a better man, somebody that I’m proud of. Somebody people would be glad to know.’

And maybe then, Tiddles would love me a little bit more. Or at least, acknowledge my existence as something more than a figure of…indifference?

‘He does love you,deep down.’ People say. So why doesn’t it feel like it? Why does everything that he shows me is contrary to that belief? Because I believe that personally, I am not a ‘good’ man. And this is how the universe has chosen to show me.

Now I can already hear most of you reading this saying to yourselves, but that’s what everybody is like. Nobody’s perfect.

And you’d be right. You would be absolutely spot on. But I cannot speak for you, I can only speak for myself. I’ve passed my judgement on people I hardly knew before and it’s another thing I feel I am having to atone for. But, my blog – and I’ve always written it from my point of view with as much honesty, brutal or otherwise, as I can – may not always be pretty, but it is always from the heart.

So I want to be ‘better’. If the universe has a plan for me and Tiddles and this is what’s involved, then I have to do whatever it takes to see if it leads me to him. There may just be a path to Narnia that is hidden until such time that I’m deemed worthy enough to see it. Who knows?

Nothing is certain but unless I do something about it, I’ll never know.

I’m probably closer to Ebeneezer Scrooge than I ever realised and this could be my wake up call. My redemption. All of the years of watching ‘A Christmas Carol’ and I probably should’ve been taking it more to heart.

I’ve always thought I could make a difference in this life. The reality of it is that actually, right now, I can’t even make a difference with Tiddles. I’m treading water with him. And if I’m being honest again, little by little, I’m actually drowning. I just don’t realise it.

So. Can I ‘be the difference I want to see in the world?’ All the self help books tell me I can. But until I can get up and act instead of just theorising about it, then the answer will continue to be a loud, resounding ‘no’, followed by a mocking laugh from all who witness this ridiculous charade.

I’ll continue making bad judgements, of course. Wrong decisions, mistakes. I’ll be rude at times, say things in the heat of the moment that I’ll regret, etc. I’m human. Who doesn’t stumble, no matter how good the intentions? And if I do, will there be anybody to catch my fall? Time will tell…

Do or do not. There is no try. But never give up.

I’m not a good man.

I’m just a man who loves his son.

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