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Living with Luke 58

May 4, 2015

The other day I wrote this…

‘I fully intended to write a new blog post today. I had it in my mind and was going to get it all down. But I haven’t. The reason is that, I’ve had enough today. Enough of being rejected not only by those that matter to me, but also by those that don’t. I shouldn’t care, I shouldn’t give a fuck, but I do. I should really have learned by now that I am not important. I’m nobody in people’s lives, probably never was. But more importantly, and this is the most painful realisation, I’ve come to realise that today, at this time, I’ve really had enough of being smacked, punched, stamped on and shouted at. I’ve cannot accept today, being rejected by my son for the umpteenth time. It’s too hard, I can’t do it any more. My motto these days has been ‘Never Give Up’. But today I am this close to doing just that. I am down. I’m beaten and I’ve lost, again. There’s no way up, or forward it seems at the moment. Tiddles doesn’t interact with me, doesn’t really want anything to do with me and sadly, the gap is widening. He’s not the first. He certainly won’t be the last.

This is how I feel today, at this moment.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Let’s see what it brings…’

I was fed up and angry. Annoyed at what was happening in my life, not just with Tiddles but with everything and everybody. I get days like these, and it frustrates the hell out of me. I debated whether I should post it, and decided that I wouldn’t, but the other day I had had such a rotten day that I decided that I would post it with an explanation. I have days, as we all do when I wonder, ‘why am I bothering?’ ‘just what is the point of all of this?’ It’s a terrible feeling to get and it’s not the first time I have written about it I’m sure. But this was the first time when I really seriously thought I would tell people what I was really feeling. I was low.  Living with Luke – the play, had just had two of our dates cancelled due to a lack of ticket sales. I was annoyed about it, and very very pissed off. I looked at my readership for these blogs, and the numbers have gradually dwindled down. Maybe it’s time to stop writing about it all? Maybe there is only so much of Tiddles and the Old Man that people want to read about?

But then I thought again.  Just who am I writing it for?  It was supposed to be about how I felt, wasn’t it?  It was supposed to be the good and the bad, the happy and the sad.  So what if nobody else reads them?  I’m not getting paid for this, I can stop any time I want to.

So that’s what I’m doing.  I’m writing for myself and if anybody else wants to read them, then great.  It has always been about me and Tiddles and after some down times – which I am sure will not be the last time that happens either – I’m doing the thing that I enjoy the most and that’s writing, whatever the subject is about.

We were talking the other day, TCMH and I, in one of the rare times that I decided to not get up early and exercise. We were talking about the past, the present and the future.

I’m trapped in the past.  My destiny and purpose have been decided for me by my past actions, I’ve long thought.  What happened 5, 10, 15 years ago, I’m still holding onto and refuse to forgive myself for and let it go.  It’s what has made me, me.

Utter rubbish, of course.

We talked about Tiddles.  Were he still at school, he would’ve left last week.  I was a bit sad about that.  I happened to be at his old school last week and saw the kids who were his peers all walking round with their once white shirts festooned with autographs and messages from staff and friends alike, and I wished that he could’ve been amongst it all.

Did Tiddles care?  He couldn’t give a f…

As far as he was concerned, school was long ago.  2 years ago in fact.  Not that he has any concept of time.

Does he miss it?  Nope.

Does he think about it?


Is he happy?

Absolutely.  He lives completely in the present moment.  The thing that happened 5 minutes ago, doesn’t bother him any more.  The thing that’s happening RIGHT NOW, is what’s important to him, be it food, rewinding his programme of choice, or deciding that now is the time to run around the house and jump.  The future doesn’t matter to him.  It’ll get here when it gets here.

As for the past…I have a lot to learn from this beautiful boy.

That thing that can and will break your heart, can also lead you to a better and truer life, if you’ll let it.

Tiddles is that thing.  He may only tolerate me, but I think he knows deep down that he is here to teach me so much more about myself, than I will ever discover on my own.  It may be a difficult journey, but let’s see anyway…

Tomorrow is a new day.

Let’s see what it brings…


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  1. renee stalley permalink

    Know this feeling all too well!!!! Love you cuz xx

  2. Alli Edwards permalink

    I see your predicament. This is mine.
    Our 18 yr old speechless son with autism – appears to have no ego.
    I have one, he doesn’t.
    Troubling how to delve deep enough to understand him
    without out my egotistic emotions affecting thoughts ie too much of me gets in the way.
    I mean, imagine what would matter if we could see life from the egoless aspect.

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