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Living with Luke 69

July 13, 2016

I have failed a lot of people in my 48 years. Everybody has in one way or another, of course, but some people also have a million pounds. It’s just the ‘way it is’…

Of course, when you measure your ‘failure’ against other people’s, you inevitably come out ahead of some and behind with others. 

And of course there are different levels of failure. I once failed to look both ways at a Zebra crossing and was run over by a zebra, so in essence I failed with that joke. So failure, in its objective term, is relative. 

So I have failed as Tiddles’ dad. 

I’m not the father that I wanted to be to him. I wanted to be so much more. I realise that I’m echoing both our play, ‘Living with Luke’ and ‘Doctor Who’ here but again, that’s the way it is. 

I’ve failed him. 

It can be argued that I haven’t failed him in that I’m still around for him, but what does that mean to him

It means absolutely nothing. He doesn’t ever think, 

“I wonder if dad would like to do this with me one day/go to that place/watch this thing…”

His thought process where I am concerned goes something like,

“What does he want? He’s in my way. I don’t want to say anything to him. Go away, go away. What’s he saying? What’s he saying? He’s in my way. He’s talking to me. I’ll hit him…”

I’m writing this in the morning, having endured another poor nights sleep, but before we went to bed last night he punched me in the stomach both on his way to the bathroom and coming out of it. 

I’m not the dad I wanted to be to him. I’m a very poor copy of somebody else. A scary dad. A dad who is tolerated and dealt with, with as little contact as possible. 

I’m not Luke’s dad, I’m Tiddles dad. 

I’m the dad who’s not actually a dad, more of an interference. Like a mote in your eye, floating around your vision. It’s always there, but it’s annoying. 

And that’s me. 

So I’ve failed as a dad. His dad. And it’s not something I can fix with hard work and a positive mental attitude, because the damage is done. It really is set in stone. 

But, even though I know this can never be fixed, I keep going. I’ve given up on so many things in my life that I’ve deemed to be failures, because it was the easy thing to do. But this…I just can’t let this one go. 

I’m tired, fed up, currently demotivated by a series of things, so this would be very easy to pass off as another tick in the Hannam loss box. 

But I just can’t. It’s a one way street, certainly. But I really don’t want to miss a thing. 

So there you have it. My failure as a father to my son, Luke. And how I’m trying to be a father to Tiddles. 

Cue Aerosmith…

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