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Living with Luke 74

April 23, 2017

If I could do anything, be it actor, knight or farmer

I would give it all away, so i could be your father.

Breaking points.

We all have them. Or rather we have several small breaking points for varying situations and for various stages of our lives, with the ultimate breaking point being to chuck it all in and disappear off to our own private Narnia, leaving everything else behind.

From being ignored in supermarkets to having somebody you’re talking to, turn and start a new conversation with somebody else whilst you’re still talking to them, to being treated like a non-person and taken for granted, to being spoken to like you’re a 5 year old. We’ve all have had times when we’ve thought…

“Why am I putting up with this disrespect? That really is enough…”

And it doesn’t always mean losing your temper and trashing a place either. Although i find that that can tend to be my default setting. Sometimes it’s just the quiet acceptance that things have gotten to the point where they can no longer be tolerated or repaired.

I made a joke about this the other day to the LWL cast about Tiddles suddenly and for no clear reason, going into our old dressing up box and pulling out a toy machine gun that Jake bought many years ago. Tiddles kept pointing it at me and ‘shooting’ me and me being the good dad, made a big show about being shot-head back, tongue out, the whole noisy death-to then sit up and carry on with what I was doing, only for Tiddles to keep doing it and for me to keep doing the whole dramatic death scene over and over until I suddenly thought…he keeps doing it because I keep getting up. He keeps shooting me and looking at the gun, because he wants me to stay dead, not play dead!

I want to be a dad to both my boys, but it does get a little difficult when it’s clear sometimes that one of them really doesn’t want you around.

So when do I say, ‘that really is enough now…’?

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll never know. Maybe I’ll just keep plugging away oblivious to the big fuck off sign that he’s holding up, both literally and figuratively.

I would, as it says in the line at the top, give it all up just to be his father if he’d let me. But what does giving it all up mean? Do i give up everything, or do I give up trying? Do I give up trying to be his dad, and just be ‘dad’ with whatever that title means now?

Breaking points. We’ve all got them, somewhere. Anybody who says that they don’t is probably being walked over as we speak. It just feels that I seem to be reaching several all at once in all walks of life.

I don’t know…

Do you?

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2 Comments
  1. Hi Firstly I want to say I think what you do for Luke and how well you support him no matter what is being a GREAT DAD.
    Please don’t always think the worse about how Luke feels about you – like the gun game it may be that Luke just enjoyed your role play – not that he wanted his great supportive DAD to die.
    Being a person who supports people with Autism I know how that feeling of rejection but it is not always about you it could be something as simple as they do not like your aftershave, or your hair style (joke). But please don’t keep putting yourself down – I had the great opportunity to see LWL and you love and passion for your son came out every second – and I am sure without your constant love and attention Luke life would be a lot different and not in a good way
    Take Care – Keep Positive and remember you are never alone.

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