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Living with Luke 75

May 9, 2017

She makes to leave the house, getting everything she needs to go straight out. Making sure she double checks so she doesn’t have to come back, because coming back would only make the situation worse.
(Stay calm.)

She kisses me goodbye, before going upstairs to kiss The Eldest Child and then…saying bye to Tiddles.

(Stay calm.)

I know what’s coming.

“Mummy see you later.”

“NO see you later! You stay here!”

“Mummy’s going to work, I’ll be back later.”

“Mummy be back NOW!”

“Daddy’s here, daddy will make you soup.”

(Stay…calm…)

“No Daddy. Daddy’s not well…You stay There!”

“What’s wrong with Daddy?”

“Daddy’s not very well…”

(I’m fine. Stay calm.)

“Mummy will be back soon.”

“Mummy be back NOW! No rehearsal. You stay There.”

“Mummy has to go to work. I’ll see you later.”

“NO SEE YOU LATER!!”

And she goes. Tiddles chases her down the stairs, blocking the door to stop her leaving.

(Stay. Calm.)

The door closes and Tiddles stands at the window, shouting, yelling after her.

“DON’T GO! NO SEE YOU LATER. COME BACK! COME BAAAAAACK!” And then the tears. And he shouts some more. And then he’s ok.

(Stay. Calm.)

And then the questions start.

“But where’s Mummy?”

“Ooh, it’s too late, it’s 6 o’clock, mummy will be back soon…”

“But where’s Deb?”

MUMMY is working and she will be back soon.

“MUMMY BE BACK NOW! NOW!!”

(Just stay calm.)

“We have to tidy up, before the mummy gets back…”

“Where’s my mummy?”

And then, out of nowhere a mini meltdown ensues. He sits and shout gibberish words and cries and cries and cries.

And I can do nothing. I can’t say anything or DO anything. I can’t cuddle him, or touch him because he will hit me, and does from time to time.

(Stay calm.)

I want to make him understand that I love him just as much as his mum does. But I can’t because he doesn’t understand, and nor will he ever get just how much I adore him.

So he shouts and he cries and he slaps the nearest thing to him, which sometimes is me. And if it’s not then he will search me out to whack me. 

And I try to stay calm.

“It’s alright Luke, mummy will be back soon.”

MUMMY BE BACK NOW!!”

“Luke, it’s ok…”

“No it’s not ok!”

“What do you want?”

“GO AWAY! YOU GO HOME!”

(Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm. Just stay calm.)

I don’t stay calm. My voice is even, but inside I am hurt, angry, annoyed, frustrated, upset. But not calm. And I speak, knowing full well I’m speaking to myself as 99% of the words, he doesn’t register or understand. But I say them anyway, because I have to.

“I am really, really sorry that you hate me so much. I am really so sorry that you don’t like me and I am really very sorry that your mum is not here for you right now. I am sorry for all of it, but I’m here and I want to help you. I know that you don’t understand what I’m saying, but i want to help you!”

“No help me…”

(…)

“Mummy will be home soon…”

“MUMMY BE HOME NOW!!!”

Yep she will be…Just hang tight my Prince…she’ll be here soon.

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