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Living with Luke 78

June 9, 2017

These blogs were always just an expression of what was happening or what had happened, in the changing relationship between Tiddles and myself. A way of expressing the hurt and heartache that had been building and building for many years, but which had never before had any outlet until I started writing these. 

I’ve charted the highs and lows, the funny and the sad, and the thoughts, fears and feelings of a father who, for want of a better word, is lost. I’m losing the struggle to stay relevant in Luke’s life. The things we used to do, for example, swimming, we don’t do anymore. He doesn’t like swimming with me. I don’t read to him anymore – he doesn’t like reading or hearing me read. We don’t even go out together unless it’s something that he absolutely wants, like a train, or a DVD. All the dad things I used to do for and with him, I no longer do. That could be because of his age, but I don’t think so. I’m not in his life as his dad. I don’t actually know what I am in his life for at present. 

So with that in mind, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that you don’t like me being near you.

I’m sorry that you don’t like my presence.

I’m sorry for my voice, annoying you.

And I’m sorry that the very sight of me angers you.

I’m sorry for caring, for trying to please you, but I’m also sorry for suffocating you with my desperate love.

I’m sorry for my taste in music, in clothes, in foods and drinks, because it all seems to bug you.

I’m sorry for being me, or not being able to be me around you, because how I am is not what you can always see.

But I’m sorry that you sometimes see the weaker me, the one that sometimes just cannot deal with it all. Like today.

I’m sorry I’m a perfectionist, because its stopped me from starting so many things that could’ve made a difference to us.

I’m sorry I’m not always happy, smiling, positive, upbeat, brave. Sometimes, I can’t help but be sad, low, fed up and just disappointingly angry about seemingly stupid things. I try not to let you see it, but I’m not always successful. 

I’m sorry I speak. I’m sorry I breathe. I’m sorry I’m here. If i could make it all right with these apologies, i’d never stop until it was so. 

But I can’t, and I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that you and I aren’t as close anymore. It hurts and I keep hoping it’ll mend, but sometimes it is like trying to knit fog.

I’m running out of things to try. Some things that are broken will never be repaired and this could be one of those things. But I don’t know when I’m beaten, until it’s too late.

I’m sorry for wanting to be right beside you, every step of the way.

But most of all, I’m sorry for never wanting to give up.

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3 Comments
  1. Di Aitken permalink

    A very sad read. But such an insight into your mind.

  2. Andy Seal permalink

    At this time, there may be nothing that you can do for Luke, other than to be ready for if/when he does need you. Your task (should you accept it) is simply to be ever ready for when that time comes. Keep the faith buddy.

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