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Living with Luke 79

July 23, 2017

If this were a song title, it would probably be 'I know you don't love me' by Roachford…

Does Tiddles like me? No. "Tolerates is probably a better word…"

Does Tiddles 'love' me? Probably not. People are often saying to me that he loves you deep down. Well, I don't want his love deep down. I want it near the top, where I can see it, because then I would be clear about his feelings. Shallow? Probably, but forgive me for craving something that has been taken away from me for years now.

Do I annoy Tiddles? Apparently so. But I tend to annoy alot of people anyway from time to time. I don't mean to, but I just seem to do so anyway, and for a variety of different reasons. So that's not really a surprise. It just hurts more.

Does Tiddles want me around? No, and I know this for a fact. 
I got back from the gym just now, and TCMH had gone out, leaving The Eldest Child with Tiddles. She'd been gone about 15 minutes. I went upstairs to say good morning and received my customary reply,

"Goodbye…" I gave him a kiss anyway on the cheek that he offered me and stroked his head. As I went to move away, he grabbed my hand, looked me square in the nose and said,

"Daddy! Steve. Go to the nearest fire station and tell them to call mummy to come home, STRAIGHTAWAY…"

"I will…" I said, and came away. 

It's not the first time he's called me Steve – witness his message in my birthday card last year (To Steve…), but its starting to become a regular occurrence now, almost as if he's either forgetting I'm Dad, or just preferring to not know me as such. 

Is it funny? In a way.

Does it hurt? Yes. Yes it bloody does.

He keeps repeating a phrase, probably from Thomas the Tank Engine, which is, 'I shouldn't be treated like this!' And yet, I am. Becoming more and more a stranger to my own son as the days go on.

I've written long and hard about the increasing gulf between us. Some people can't see or just don't want to see it, but i do, and incidents like this morning just underline the actual reality of this now. 

And yet, the very few and far between times that he does come back from Narnia and is Luke…

Well, they are the times I hang onto. The times when I can be Daddy.

And nobody is ever going to stop me from being that to you, my beautiful boy…

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